A typical four-year-old lies about once every two hours, according tosome studies.
A typical six-year-old lies even more often (hourly)!
Fellow parents: What do we do about this deception?
How can we build trust with our kids and prevent them from growing up into psychopaths?
This is the dilemma Im learning to deal with now.
My daughter and I have a great bond, I think.
I wastryingto go to sleep this whole time with my eyes closed.
Were youreallytrying to sleep?
Its the defiant lying thats infuriating me now, over a relatively small thing.
Why couldnt she just tell me she couldnt stop reading?
(Have you seen that movieKids?
If youre a parent, you do not want to see that movie.)
So I did some digging into what exactly might be happening here and how to best handle these situations.
We tell each other white lies to spare each others feelings.
For growing children, there are also developmental reasons to lie.
In fact, lying is actually a good sign in young kids.
After all, this is the age of Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and imaginary friends.
By the age of four,90% of childrengrasp the concept of lying.
Psychologists consider ita developmental milestoneand even an integral part of healthy brain development.
Lying is related to intelligence, Dr. Victoria Talwar, a leading expert on childrens lying behavior,says.
How Kids Lying Evolves
As kids get older, they become more sophisticated at lying.
In essence, lying becomes a solution to avoid conflict.
But they dont see it as hurtful.
Not the way that parents see it as hurtful.
But who does it hurt?
I know its wrong that I traded my dried fruit for a Twinkie.
But it doesnt really hurt anybody.
I can handle it.
Whats the big deal?
Thats what the kid sees.
The kid rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior with the idea that it doesnt hurt anybody.
The outcome is a dishonest situation.
When you get to adolescence, of course, the stakes get much higher.
But the thinking remains the same.
Kids smoke pot and drink and say, Well it doesnt hurt anybody.
My friends smoke pot and it doesnt hurt them.
I know drinkings wrong, but my parents drink and it doesnt hurt them.
I can handle it.
Im older than my parents think I am.
They know its forbidden.
They either dont see it as hurtful, or they rationalize the hurt away.
Simply saying, Listen, honesty is the best policy isnt enough to cut it.
Here are some guidelines, based on what research shows and parenting experts recommendations.
Stay calm and take emotions out of it.I know I could have handled this better myself in the past.
Scholasticsays:
Cool down before doing anything.
The calmer you are, the better youll communicate.
The first step is to convey the message that a behavior stealing, for example is wrong.
Then, address why your child lied about what he did.
Remember that some children will lie to avoid anger even more than to avoid punishment.
Consider the goal of your childs lie.
[Was] he trying to avoid punishment?
Perhaps he was frightened by the consequences of what he did and of making a mistake.
What might he be feeling?
Anxious, guilty, ashamed, scared?
There is always a motive and meaning for what children tell us.
It wont hurt to ask yourself what your child is gaining by telling a lie.
Instead of saying did you brush your teeth?
Lets go back and do it more thoroughly.
The goal at this time is to avoid cavities, not conduct an honesty crusade.
Are you sure you brushed enough?
PsychCentral alsoadvisesnever labeling a kid a liar, lest they become convinced its impossible for them to be good.
Its essential for some things to be none of your business.
They expect the child to obey them.
Over lifes other spheres, they supported the childs autonomy, allowing them freedom to make their own decisions.
The kids of these parents lied the least.
Rather than hiding twelve areas from their parents, they might be hiding as few as five.
If youre going too fast, he gives you a ticket.
Hes not interested in a lot of explanations from you.
Hes just going to give you a consequence.
Look at it the same way with your child.
He didnt tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld.
There should simply be consequences for that.
The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early.
The second time, you lose your phone.
It should be something that the kid feels.
You lose your phone for twenty four hours.
You lose your phone for two days.
You lose computer time or TV time.[…]
The consequence should be about the lying.
If theres a separate consequence for the incident, that should come down separately.
If you lie to me, you lose both.
Parents should not get into the morality of it.
Lying is wrong, its hurtful and, in our home, we tell the truth.
But dont make it a moral issue.
Make it a technical issue.
You broke the law.
You broke the rules.
These are your consequences.
Im going to start printing tickets for lying violations.
Weve got to be more honest with and around our kids too.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby.
