Conservative estimates suggest that cheating occurs in abouthalf of all relationships.
Heres a comprehensive, mapped-out guide to deciding whether to stay or go.
you’re gonna wanna have a conversation.
It will be horribly painful, theres no way around thatbut you should find out:
What exactly happened.
Are we talking an online flirtation or an in-person tryst?
Are there emotions involved, or was it just physical?
The circumstances around it happening.
Was this a planned affair, or something that just happened?
When the infidelity occurred.
How many times it happened.
The status of your partners relationship with the other person.
Has your partner told the other person that its over?
If your partner wants to stay in your relationship or not.
The question of what to do next may already be answered.
If your partner used protection.
A word of warning: dont ask for all the gory details of the affair.
Youre going to need time to figure out up-from-down, much less figure out your next steps.
Ask them to respect your boundaries and not contact you until you reach out.
Be aware that your immediate reaction may be to take drastic measures in either direction.
Some people want to repair the relationship right away.
After experiencing such a powerful threat to your relationship, its natural to feel drawn to your partner.
Others may want to leave and never look back.
During this break, try your best to treat yourself well.
Call in sick to work for a week.
Reach out to your most trusted friends and talk it over with them.
give a shot to eat and sleep.
Go outside for fresh air and the opportunity to move your body.
Write down all of your tortured thoughts in a journal.
Whatever makes you feel even the tiniest little bit better.
Keep doing all of these things for as long as possible.
That doesnt mean its not worth making an effort.
Im obviously biased, but I think seeing a therapist is an excellent idea.
Its nice to talk it all out with without having to worry about annoying anyone.
And, you know, therapy will actually help you process the feelings instead of just rehash them.
Here are some other variables to consider:
How severe was this betrayal?
Has your partner cheated in the past?
If your partner has cheated on you before, its time to move on.
You may also want to consider whether your partner has cheated in past relationships.
Whats your relationship history?
If youre relatively early in your relationship, it may be best to cut your losses.
Is this relationship worth salvaging?
Sometimes cheating is a sign that the relationship is long over.
Does your partner understand the impacts of their behavior?
If theyre not immensely apologetic, they dont deserve your consideration.
How you found out about the infidelity also matters.
Did they fess up of their own accord, or did they get caught?
Is your partner willing to work through this with you?
Is your partner is offering to make concrete steps to repair your relationship, like going to couples counseling?
Can you see yourself eventually forgiving?
In order for a relationship to survive infidelity, you have to be willing to forgive.
These things might feel good in the moment, but theyll just prolong your pain.
Make a clean break, and focus on rebuilding your life without them.
If You Decide to Stay
Being cheated on is a horrifically painful experience.
Seemingly mundane things, like seeing another couple hand in hand, may evoke a flood of unexpected emotions.
Be prepared to cry over your cereal, during your haircut, and in your car.
Youre going to be having a lot of big feelings in the upcoming weeks and months.
As we therapists are fond of saying, the only way out is through.
As painful as it may be, venture to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings.
Keeping a journal and writing free-form (without editing yourself) is a great way to do this.
If you take a stab at bury your feelings, the healing process will just take longer.
Its usually a feeble attempt to prevent pain like this from ever happening again.
Seriously, it wont help.
Some dont even bother asking for permission, and just snoop on their own accord.
Unfortunately, this is a terrible tactic.
Snooping through your partners accounts (with their permission or without) wont guarantee that they wont cheat again.
It also wont help you heal, since youll find yourself increasingly paranoid.
Most people default to serial monogamy, but that isnt an arrangement that works for everyone.
You cant pull it out as a trump card in every argument.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby.
