Sometimes sharing your fantasies is as easy as, hey, Im into XYZ.
Want to do it with me?
But not all of us have that level of comfort with our desires.
Heres how to feel more at ease divulging your fantasies.
It might be helpful for you to differentiate between your fantasies and your desires.
Fantasies are the things you think about that turn you on.
Desires are the things you actually want to happen.
You might fantasize about having sex in public, but not actually ever want to do it.
Sometimes making that differentiation can make it easier to acknowledge what turns us on.
From there, try simply saying out loud what youre interested in.
Repeat until you start to feel more comfortable with the words.
Give yourself permission to have your fantasies and desires.
Just try saying to yourself, I give myself permission to be turned on by this.
The way you relate to your fantasies will define how your partner will respond to them.
But if youre able to ask confidently and clearly, your partner will instantly feel more at ease.
A fantasy is just something that turns you on in your mind.
you could also be unsure about your fantasies.
Remember, fantasies dont always overlap with desires.
It also doesnt make you a crazy person or a bad feminist.
Sure, sometimes there are clear reasons why we have specific fantasies.
But not every fantasy has a clear explanation, and the bottom line is that it really doesnt matter.
Figure Out When to Ask
Everyone has different relationships with their fantasies.
For some people, theyre the cherry on top of the sundae but not the main event.
For other people, fantasies are more front and center.
Some people cant be sexually satisfied unless they have a very particular kind of sex.
Let your partner know, this is what Im looking for.
I dont want to waste either of our time if youre not interested in that.
You may even want to use a service likeAdult Friend FinderorFetlifeto put all your cards on the table.
If youre really afraid of your partners reaction, try easing your way into it.
it’s possible for you to also try using leading questions to gauge their potential reactions.
For example, I read about this thing on the internet today.
Have you ever thought about doing something like that?
You may have fantasies that youre not actually interested in indulging.
We all have the right to a little privacy when it comes to our fantasies!
Like, say, when you fantasize about other people.
No matter how much you love your partner, youre going to fantasize about other people on occasion.
This isnt cheating, and theres no need to confess!
Its easy to go to a place of not feeling like youre enough for your partner.
Maybe youve never met someone you trusted as much as your current partner.
Maybe theyre the only person who has helped you feel safe enough to explore your fantasies.
Maybe they look exactly like a character you used to fantasize about as a horny teenager.
Try These Lines
Still feeling stumped?
Here are some easy prompts to get you started:
You know what sounds really hot to me?
Theres this thing Ive always wanted to try, but Ive been waiting until I found the right person.
I would love to see you doing…
What did you fantasize about when you were a teenager?
Have you ever thought about doing… Do they treat your fantasy with respect?
Do they listen to you without judgment?
Are they willing to at least consider your request?
Sharing your fantasies is a great way to gauge your long-term compatibility with someone.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy.
Its her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom.
Have questions about sex?
you could reach her at[email protected], or at VMTherapy.com.
Title illustration by Tara Jacoby.
