Heres what you should do the next time it happens.

Most of us are incredibly sensitive about our orgasms (or lack thereof).

But oftentimes, people do this in a way that only adds more pressure.

Lets talk about how to maintain a better balance.

Let your sexual partners know you want them to have a good time (and mean it!)

Even questions as simple as, what could we do to make tonight fun for you?

or does that feel good?

let your partner know that youre invested in their pleasure.

To be clear, its not your responsibility to make your partner orgasm.

Orgasms are too personal of an experience to pin on another person.

But you should want to help your partner experience pleasure when theyre with you.

What sounds the most fun to you right now?

If your partner seems shy or embarrassed about answering, give them a few options to choose from.

Say something like, you taste amazing or I could touch you like this for hours.

Im not going anywhere.

And Im loving every freaking minute.

This can result in plenty of awkward moments trying to guess whether to stop or keep going.

Most people react by asking questions like, are you there yet?

or did you come already?

Instead, try making statements or asking questions that are focused more on your partners pleasure than their orgasm.

First of all, your orgasm doesnt need to signal the end of the evening!

There are still plenty of fun things you could do after intercourse.

Help your partner understand that theres absolutely nothing wrong with them for not being able to orgasm.

Educate yourself aboutanatomy,masturbation, andorgasm.

When youre being intimate, take the initiative in asking for feedback.

One of the most effective ways to do this is by bring a little A/B testing into the bedroom.

(you’re able to play this game even with someone casual).

Dont Shame Your Partner

Above all else, just dont be a jerk.

This should be obvious advice.

Ive never been with anyone who couldnt orgasm.

My ex-girlfriend/boyfriend used to come at the drop of a hat.

Lets make this easy: dont say anything that sounds even remotely close to any of the above phrases!

Even seemingly neutral phrases like, are you getting close?

or are you going to come?

can come off asshole-ish if you dont watch your tone.

Making your partners orgasm all about you isnt useful to either one of you.

Your partner not having an orgasm isnt a threat to your masculinity or femininity.

It doesnt mean youre not sexy enough.

It doesnt mean youre bad in bed.

It doesnt even mean that your partner isnt having a good time.

attempt to remember that before you open your mouth.

Take the Focus off Orgasm

Orgasms are fantastic, dont get me wrong.

But theyre not the only amazing thing about being intimate with someone.

Theyre also not a necessary ingredient for having a good time.

There are plenty of people that dont need to have an orgasm to feel fulfilled.

And youll enjoy yourself a hell of a lot more too.

Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy.

Its her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom.

Have questions about sex?

you’ve got the option to reach her at[email protected], or at VMTherapy.com.

Illustration by Tina Mailhot-Roberge.