Earlier this year, my fiance decided to quit his heavy smoking.
After months of living with someone who finally kicked the habit, heres what Ive learned.
But its something I have to do for myself.
Throughout the years, I urged him to quit, but I never threatened or gave an ultimatum.
He made it clear: the smoking wasnt about me.
Quitting was a goal forhimself.
According to him, the first way I supported his desire to quit was taking that statement to heart.
Its a lot easier to quit when you actuallywantto quit, rather than quit because you met someone new.
At the same time, secondhand smoke is pretty terrible.
He had to acknowledge the impact of his habit.
The major emphasis in this model is a clear statement advising the smoker to quit.
There is substantial evidence from randomized trials that brief advice based on these models is effective.
This study backed up my instinct.
I, along with friends and family, occasionally reminded him it was important to quit.
You guys werent telling me anything I didnt know, he said.
And yeah, it was kind of annoying.
But it kept it on my mind.
Basically, our persistence helped eventually make it a priority.
And Ive read quite a few studies and thoughts on the matter, too.
A lot of people figure what works for them should work for everyone.
I made this mistake, too.
I worried this routine would tempt him too much.
But it wasnt my habit to break, so I had no idea what he felt out there.
Maybe he wasnt tempted at all.
Maybe he was tempted, but that was part of his plan.
He knows the nuance and routine of them, and he knows how to work with them best.
In addition, you have to accept that part of quitting is trial and error.
The average smoker makesmultiple attempts before they actually quit.
They figure out what works and what doesnt, and then adjust as necessary.
Learn What Feedback Works Best
Negativity can be motivating.
Of course, there are a lot of different factors to consider here.
Youre willing to bet the money, because youre pretty sure its a safe bet.
Still, the point is that different feedback works for different people,in different cases.
Most advice on how to support someone whos quitting tells you to be constantly optimistic.
It makes sense, and in my own scenario, I was optimistic probably ninety-five percent of the time.
Its obviously motivating to tell someone youre proud of them and you believe in them and all of that.
But lets talk about the five percent of the time that I wasnt so cheerful.
In doing so, I made him feel guilty, embarrassed, and small.
But surprisingly, he later told me this reaction actually helped.
It made him realize something he thought of asno big dealshould be considered more, not just brushed off.
He processed giving into this craving, and that helped stave off future temptations.
I was surprised, because I thought I did the wrong thing.
While I probably shouldve thought about my actions more, he seemed to appreciate a little negativity.
This isnt to say everyone will react the same way.
And, for the most part, it helped more to be positive.
But Brian is also cynical by nature.
The point is: everyone is different.
Update: As readerDr.
Weve adjusted our language to match.
Fine Tune Your Empathy
Before quitting, he told me it might be a bumpy ride.
I wanted to create an environment that didnt make him want to smoke.
Focus on my own stress level, which often rubs off on him.
Not give him a hard time if he was tired or irritable.
Not guilt him into going places that made him want to smoke.
That meant picking up a little bit of the load and helping out where I could.
There are plenty of times where hes picked up my slack when I needed it, too.
Of course, you dont want to deal with a partner whos being abusive or taking advantage of you.
Being grumpy is one thing, verbal abuse is another.
The bottom line is that empathy is important.
Ive never been a smoker, so I have no idea what it takes to quit.
As a result, I was able to better recognize certain symptoms.
I didnt know what they felt like, but I knew what they were.
Quitting isnt an easy process.
And supporting someone certainly doesnt make it easy, but it can make things less difficult.
