Years ago, a friend told me about some self-help book she read.
It sounded like a load of crap, but I didnt have the heart to say that.
Instead, I acted interested and told her it was great.
You seemed so interested in it, though, she said.
Yep, that was just me being a complete phony.
Phony people get a bad rap.
I mean, inauthenticity isnt agoodquality, dont get me wrong.
But the general consensus seems to be that phony people are backstabbing liars.
And were notat least not all of us.
Some of us just dont like hurting peoples feelings.
Some of us just want to feel accepted, so were super nice.
Or maybe youre afraid of conflict, so youre extra agreeable to avoid it at all costs.
However, that inauthenticity can backfire on you.
People like you less.
You get suckered into reading bad self-help books.
Breaking the phoniness habit isnt that difficult, though.
It just takes some practice.
For example, a friend of minewell call him Bohas one of the most magnetic personalities Ive ever encountered.
Everyone instantly loves him when they meet him.
Once, I told Bo how lucky he was to be so naturally outgoing and likable.
Oh its notnatural, he told me.
I hate being around people.
I just look at each social interaction as a challenge to be likable, and I guess it works.
I was floored, but it goes to show thatcharisma and confidence are habits you could practiceand learn.
Its easy to overcompensate to the point that they backfire.
I tried to do the same thing with my friends self-help book.
Theres a fine line between practicing good social habits and trying too hard.
So how do you avoid the phony side of that line?
Charismatic, likable people make their audience feel important and heard.
In social interactions, by all means, listen and engage, but dont lose sight of yourself.
You dont have to agree with someone to listen to them.
People will realize that youre trying to win them over and itll rub them the wrong way.
Rather than putting on a show for others simply look to keep yourself entertained.
Do this shit that makes you laugh and show yourself a good time.
Doing so will it put you in a better mood so being social will become easy and fun.
During social interactions, I have a go at check in with myself.
so the person feels good about whatever that is.
This makes for a much more genuine reaction.
If likeability is your concern, theresprobably nothing more likablethan just being yourself.
For inauthentic people, our go-to reaction is usually to just agree with whatever we hear.
But being too agreeable backfires.
I can 100% relate.
Later, I become resentful to others because I dont feel I can be myself around them.
Rather than engaging in the discussion, I submitted.
Well what do you think?
I asked, and then I found a way to agree with him to avoid any conflict.
Later, I resented him for not allowing me to speak my mind.
But heres the thing: he wasnt keeping me from speaking my mind; he was just speaking his.
The point is agreeableness, especially over time, can absolutely wear you down.
To kick the habit, try distinguishing the perspective from the person.
Its therefore important to distinguish the opinion that you are pushing back against from the person who holds it.
Whats important is that people understand that youre not pushing them back, but rather their position.
If youre worried about conflict, remember that youre not conflicting with the person, just their perspective.
As Forbes points out, remembering this will help you approach the conversation more diplomatically.
More importantly, though, it makesvoicing your opinion a little less scary.
you’re free to also ask questions.
It wasnt so bad asking my friend, Well, what do you think?
I didnt have to immediately agree with him, though.
Instead of thinking about the conversations in terms of agree or disagree, it helps to just be curious.
On top of that, being curious maintains that all important presence.
Being likable or polite doesnt mean mindlessly agreeing with someone when you dont.
Were usually phony because were overly concerned about what others think.
It doesnt make much sense to continue to dwell on that, then.
As a shy person, I often overthink my behavior and interactions with others.
One thing thats helped me curb this habit?Realizing that people dont really care.
Illustration byIkon_Grafix(Shutterstock).
