Arent you amazed at how seemingly random things can send our kids into a complete emotional meltdown?
This post originally appeared onA Fine Parent.
It doesnt matter whether the child is 4 or 14.
In the moments before a meltdown its the face scrunching that gives it away.
As body language goes its all out there, up front and very personal.
His suffering was palpable.
The emotions vivid on his face.
His little body tense with distress.
With effortI remained calm, held him close and loved him through the moment.
We found another bag.
And yet, he wasnt.
The bag was incidental.
He was feeling out of control.
The bag bore the brunt of that emotion.
Ifelt gratefulI hadnt dismissed his outburst as ridiculous and petty.
More by luck than judgement, I confess.
And this got me thinking.
It will affect how they view and manage their feelings, and those of others, throughout their lives.
But like most things parenting, there are no absolutes when it comes to emotions.
Well the same is true for effective parenting of a sad child in meltdown mode.
We parents are responsible for making sure our kids learn to manage their sea of emotions.
And we cant do that until we get our own house in order first.
Of course, when faced with an upset child this is often easier said than done.
For example, with my husband away a few weeks ago I was under a lot of pressure.
The children were displaced.
I was running the home, two businesses, my kids.
I was running on empty.
My little son noticed my increasingly fractious state, and did his best to compete for my attention.
He needed a wee.
And with my mommy-energy depleted, I had precious little left to give.
I stalked upstairs and cursorily moved my sobbing child from bed-to-bathroom-to-bed like an automaton.
He didnt deserve that cold reaction, but I was exhausted.
What my son was actually saying was this:
Mommy, Im having a hard time settling tonight.
I dont know why.
I just know I need you.
But in my own emotionally drained state, I didnt hear it.
Were not always calm ourselves.
But thats the point.
And only then, act.
The mom-compassion was still there; it just took a little while to find.
Like the aforementioned airline crew, they know that they need to stay calm in a crisis.
They know that individual emotional responses can be tamed with tranquility.
And in doing so they keep us all safe.
When we understand this for ourselves, we can start to regulate our feelings.
So next time you sense a meltdown bubbling up,get yourself some air.
Clear your head to create space where emotional order can be put into action.
Embrace the Range of Emotions
Our role as parents is not to judge our childs emotions.
It is to help them acknowledge, embrace and understand those feelings for what they are.
And then to give them the tools to manage and learn from them.
All emotions are valid, all are real, and all are experienced very intensely by our children.
If we perceive our childs emotional meltdown as an irritation, our response is likely to be exasperation.
Or worse still, a scolding.
Children love to kindly.
They crave our acceptance.
They need to know we love and value them no matter what emotion they are facing at the moment.
And in this way we help open their door to self-acceptance too.
Committing to embrace every shade of your childs emotion helps to set things straight.
I will hug him and reassure him.
He will feel better.
But emotions are rarely that simple.
My boy was sad because his father was away the other week.
But the feelings he acted out around that went beyond simple sadness.
He had far bigger fish to fry.
His fear of cause and effect: Has daddy gone because of something I did?
And yet his emotions were still right there, complex and multilayered.
And a reluctance to go to bed with one particularly memorable screaming fit.
Mortality: He had endless questions about death, heaven, other places daddy could be.
Initially I gave little, but the acting out intensified.
I didnt feel particularly intelligent at the time, but I sure had the emotion part nailed.
Then I started to think more logically.
I quickly realized that what he needed was a reinforcement of the normal boundaries that make him feel safe.
When your child is acting out take a moment to remind yourself that emotions are complex.
Be Their Emotional Anchor
Feelings of sadness, anger and fear can be all consuming for a child.
That desperate openness on their faces in a meltdown moment is begging for limits and boundaries.
For a firm anchor that keeps them from going adrift in a sea of overwhelming emotions.
And, importantly, to guide them towards acceptable ways of doing so.
Gently place your arm on their shoulder or hug them.
You are their safety net.
Be flexible:Your child may resist your help, physically or verbally.
When my son tells me to go away he doesnt really mean it.
In his case, he means I need to see if you love me enough to stay.
So provide alternatives for them.
This leads us neatly into the final point of our action plan.
These tools travel alongside them in their emotion toolkit.
As they grow, they are slowly learning which one to pull out in any given situation.
I am safe, I am strong, I am loved.
Choose words with your child that resonate for them.
Find a physical safe space:Kids should find a place where they can express themselves safely.
This has been particularly effective with my son.
He has quite independently chosen the space behind the floor-to-ceiling curtain in our hall as his private spot.
I know when he takes himself there he is dealing with something.
I encouraged her to punch her pillow in those moments.
It worked wonders to release the pent up energy that crying alone failed to let loose.
Its an effective way of re-establishing an emotional balance.
For my daughter, coloring works well; for my son its being creative with Duplo.
No rights or wrongs here, just what works for your child.
Be mindful that your child may prefer certain actions over others.
My girl loves to talk, watch, and listen, while my boy prefers to act.
Waiting for the meltdown to happen is leaving it too late.
Practice keeping things in perspective and avoid the panicyour child experiencing a strong emotion is not a medical emergency.
Your calm will show them the way through whatever they are feeling.
When she isnt knee-deep in glitter-and-glue craft projects she writes.
And drinks too much coffee.
you’re able to follow her blog atKiddiespace.net.
Image bymarrishuannaandNemanja Cosovic(Shutterstock).
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