Years ago, a friend introduced me to someone who asked what I did for a living.
I work on an online video series, I said.
My friend chimed in, Shes a vlogger, then giggled.
I didnt quite understand what she meant, but I felt diminished.
It was the first of what turned out to be a series of confusing, passive-aggressive incidents.
Youve probably been there, too.
Maybe its your career.
Maybe you want to eat healthier.
Or maybe youre making more frugal choices to get your finances in order.
Its calledsocial undermining, and it may seem harmless enough, but it can take an emotional toll.
You start to doubt yourself, you feel a lack of support, and you become resentful.
Its not fun to deal with, especially if you hate confrontation.
But its best to nip an undermining friend in the bud before you reach a boiling point.
Heres how to go about it.
Look for the Signs
Before anything, see to it youre actually dealing with social undermining.
We all put our foot in our mouths occasionally.
What seems like social undermining might just be someone saying something stupid.
I felt horrible immediately after saying it, because it sounded like a criticism rather than something I admired.
That was an honest mistake; there was no motive.
With social undermining, the motive is to well,undermine.
Basically, social undermining uses negativity to weaken a persons goals or successes.
Theyre judgmental: They like to gossip about the lifestyle choices of other friends or family members.
They might disguise gossip and judgment as concern.
Theyre great at backhanded compliments: Their compliments seem oddly insulting.
They overcompensate: They oversell themselves as supportive, nurturing, or caring.
They tempt you: They steer you away from your goals by offering tempting alternatives.
When youre trying to stick to a diet, they urge you to eat unhealthy food.
When youre trying to save money, they tempt you to splurge.
Common assumption is that people undermine your decisions, goals, or success because theyre jealous.
Many times, thats true.
Projection: People might also undermine your choices if it reminds them of their own.
I realized this was less about me and more about his own experiences.
Concern: On the other hand, I also think social undermining happens when theres genuine concern.
My parents were terrified of my move to California.
And for a while, they took every chance they could to undermine my decision.
But it didnt come from a place of projection, competition, or envy.
They were worried and afraid to see me fail, because they wanted the best for me.
In figuring out how to address social undermining, it helps to first understand why its happening.
This way, you could pick the best option for dealing with it.
Be Upfront
In most situations, communication should be your first line of defense.
Your friend, coworker, or boss might not even be aware theyre undermining you to begin with.
Id occasionally tease her about the relationship, and I didnt really think about it.
One day, she point-blank asked, Why dont you ever have anything nice to say about him?
I explained my plans to them and showed them Id considered all of the things they worried about.
Plus, I told them I needed their support.
From then on, the undermining stopped and theyve been hugely supportive instead.
It was her happiness, and I was able to separate from itmy own feelings of jealousy.
Her being upfront made me more aware of the situation and what I was doing.
Communication is also important when youre being undermined at work.
Career siteDice.com explains:
Early on, you might be able to address the situation with a simple conversation.
Plus, it keeps a record of the behavior, in case youre ever thrown under the bus.
Being upfront works in some situations, but not all of them.
If the undermining is passive-agressive, your friend might play dumb.
Or, they might turn it around and ask why youre being confrontational.
When a bit of honesty and communication dont work, here are some other options.
When someone knocks you down, that can kill your momentum.
It doesnt even have to be goal-related.
Sometimes, underminers simply give a shot to make you feel bad about the life you already have.
Either way, it can help to avoid any topics that bring it out in them.
Thats kind of what I do with underminers.
Life will just find a way to take it from you.
Me: Yeah, that could happen.
Me: OMG, Id love a new car!
and not bother doing anything to buy a new car.
But with a friend or family member, its not so easy.
If nothing else works,try a couple of suggestions weve made beforeabout dealing with a jerk friend.
Specifically, we recommend spending less time together or giving the friendship a break.
Especially if theres competition, a little distance might do you some good.
The cliche,absence makes the heart grow fondermay ring true.
Distance could make you realize friendships should be supportive, not undermining.
Competition can be motivating.
For years, I was in constant competition with a good friend of mine.
We often undermined each others successes, and that wasnt pleasant, but it fueled our competitiveness.
We worked harder to prove the other person wrong.
Second, I started using undermining as a trigger.
Many times, the undermining is senseless.
Find Support
Of course, it also helps to surround yourself with supportive people.
Social undermining is frustrating to deal with, whether its with a friend, family, or coworker.
You feel insecure, powerless and angry.
Taking a little action can help nip it in the bud.
At the least, it helps you manage it and feel more in control.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby.
