When people describe me, assertive is the last word they use.
This has cost me a lot, both professionally and personally, because of missed opportunities.
But can we learn to be more assertive?
And what is the right level of assertiveness?
This post originally appeared on theCrew Blog.
I used to hate answering questions in class.
I mean what if I got it wrong or what if I didn’t say it right?
Nope, too many risks.
Instead of answering questions I would make a run at look very intently at the teacher.
That way I could let them know, that I knew, but that I couldn’t answer.
Yeah, that never worked.
Where Does Assertiveness Come From?
Use any other euphemism you want for being assertive, I would still want nothing to do with it.
It truly terrifies me.
Assertive comes to us from the late 1560smeaning"declaratory, positive, full of assertion."
Assertiveness is a goal directed behavior, meaning you utilize it to achieve something you view as desirable.
But what’s so useful about being assertive?
Being too passive can make you feelpowerless.
I find that my passivity seeps into everything I do.
I apologize for everything, even though I don’t always know what I’m apologizing for.
On the flip-side of passivity is aggressiveness.
Aggressive individuals tend toappearas unapproachable and evenhostileby their peers.
Think of this as the “my way or the highway” approach to communication.
While you may end up getting what you want, it wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships.
Where does aggressiveness come from?
Well, like passivity, a lot of it has to do with early life experiences.
Andrew S. Rancer Ph.D.
People often associate aggressiveness with assertiveness but the two are extremely different.
Assertiveness allows you approach situations with a more objective eye.
The Right Amount of Assertiveness
People are really badjudgesof how assertive they are or are not.
The researchersdubbedthis the ‘line crossing illusion.’
People base theirassertivenesson what they perceive the intended outcomes to be.
Weexaggerateothers disappointment and the offense we imagine they have to messages we are sending them.
Assertiveness isn’t just about what you say, it’s an entire range of verbal and non-verbal communication.
I know I’m passive.
If people tend to walk all over you, that’s a sign that you are perhaps too passive.
Do you volunteer your opinions when you think or feel differently from others?
Are you able to say “no” when you don’t want to do something?
Using the word “you” when making your point tends to come off as accusatory.
To prevent this, it’s possible for you to use “I” messaging.
Okay, so most of us don’t talk like this.
I have to constantly be reminded to stop apologizing for everything.
Like anything else in your life you want to improve at, practice is necessary.
Once you are comfortable using this language with yourself, try using it with a friend.
Start small: For me, being assertive means ordering my own food at dinner.
It sounds really silly, but it is alow-risktest that I can use to practice being assertive.
Take some time to identify what you did well and what behaviors might still need somework.
This isn’t about completely forgoing everything that makes you, well… you.
It’s about identifying ways to communicate your “you” more effectively.
I remember the day I finally worked up the courage to answer a question in class.
My face turned red, I started sweating, and you know what?
I didn’t die.
It felt good to answer that question.
From then on, it made answering questions a little better.
Being assertive is never easy for me, but I am learning.
Assertiveness isn’t going to solve all your problems and it’s not appropriate for every situationcontext is key.
What it will do, is help you feel more confident and communicate more effectively when you should probably.
Illustration by Tina Mailhot-Roberge.
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