Lets get real: couples can start getting lazy initiating sex.

Should we do it?

It might feel easier, but it can also feel wildly impersonal.

One great way to stop sabotaging yourself is to extend a more personal invitation to your partner.

Were you laughing and teasing each other?

Was it slow and sensual?

Did any of those experiences end up creating lasting inside jokes between the two of you?

Say something like, Your ass looks so incredible in those pants.

For example, I love how close I feel to you when were in bed together.

or What can I take off your plate right now?

You just stay here and kick up your feet.

If your partner has been sorely lacking alone time, attempt to support them in getting some.

Try, I know how much you love baths.

Want me to draw you one?

Be a Tease

Drawing out your initiation can be really freaking hot.

It gives both of you the chance to prepare for sex mentally and build anticipation.

Send your partner a text during the day saying, Im wearing those underwear you love.

Or parade around in said skivvies but tell your partner youre off limits until later that evening.

Go the Sentimental Route

Incorporate some of those aforementioned favorite sexual memories directly into your initiations.

What do you say we give a shot to repeat that this weekend?

Or, I cant stop thinking about how incredibly sexy you looked on our last anniversary.

As time goes by with the same partner, that intensity tends to fade.

Its understandable, but of course unfortunate.

have a go at channel some of that original passion you used to feel for your partner.

Bust out that move you used to do all the time but havent in a while.

Or channel your intensity through your words.

Be Playful

Sex doesnt always have to be so serious.

You might feel way more comfortable (and even way more sexy) being silly and playful.

The other one would respond with an exclamation point if they were in the mood.

It made them both laugh, but it still felt enticing.

Or try making bets where the winner gets an-extra special prize.

For example, If the Niners beat the Seahawks, Ill give you a blowjob.

You dont need to strategize or overanalyze every single interaction with your partner.

Rolling over to their side of the bed for some lazy Sunday morning sex is great.

But it is nice to put in a little extra effort every once in a while.

Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy.

Its her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom.

Have questions about sex?

you’re free to reach her at[email protected], or at VMTherapy.com.

Title illustration by Tara Jacoby.