Years later, we still have those different habitsbut the fighting is gone.
Heres how we learned to coexist.
If he got a bonus at work, he spent it all, then and there.
If he got a raise, his lifestyle inflated accordingly.
Thus, I automatically labeled him a spender.
To him, I was a cheapskate: I scrimped and saved to a fault.
to correct our perspectives of each other, we had to discuss it a little deeper.
We simply talked about our relationship with money and what it represented.
To me, not having money was scary, and thats why I saved: it represented security.
To him, money was just money.
Understanding mine helped him see money canrepresent something bigger.
I had a tendency to idealize money; he had a tendency to trivialize it.
Before, I would just nod and dismiss Brians financial concerns.
We both had to learn to truly understand where the other person was coming from.
Beyond that, we also learn the mechanics of a healthy, productive conversation, despite our differences.
Hold regularmoney dates: It sounds corny, I know.
It makes us feel in control and keeps us on the same page.
Ive even had a reader even suggest having money dates in public.
She and her husband would hold theirs over breakfast.
This keeps you on your toes to avoid bickering.
For us, it also helps to avoid talking about money outside of these dates as much as possible.
It mightve been true, but it sounds like a lecture.
I had to learn to be objective.
One rule of thumb I used for staying objective was to use language that couldnt be argued.
For example, youre spending too much is arguable.
What istoo much, after all?
On the other hand, Im concerned about your spending is objective.
Theres no denying Im concerned, but that doesnt necessarily mean hes doing anything wrong.
Heres another useful tip: stay focused on the topic at hand.
If the argument is ostensibly about whos making dinner tonight, keep it that topic.
These are just the habits that worked for my relationship; your own mileage may vary.
This meant drafting our goals.
I came acrosssome helpful advicefrom personal finance writer Tiffany Aliche.
A need is something you have to have to make it maintain life.
For example; if you dont eat or drink water, you will not be able sustain life.
Next, identify, write down, and share no more than two
loves
.
This is very important.
Another way to think of this: how doesusing your money bring you the most joy?
For me, its financial security (or financial independence) and travel.
Having enough money to feel secure and free tolive my life exactly how I wantis priceless to me.
I also love being able to travel.
I asked Brian about his priorities.
He agreed that travel was a love, but said he also wants to buy a home someday.
Lofty goals, no doubt.
But at least we had a starting point.
So we listed out those things: dining out and shopping were things welikedto spend money on.
It would be best toavoid our likes at all cost, but alas, were human.
From there, we had to crunch the numbers.
This meant working out a plan that included all three of our goals.
We asked ourselves:
When we would each like to reach each goal, idealistically?
How much can we afford to save for each goal?
How much should we fund one goal vs. another?
We decided to split funding our financial independence and homebuying goal 50/50.
That seemed fair and reasonable for our situation.
At this point, we had an action plan for our goals.
A financial plan isnt always about saving, though.
A few years ago, Brian was in debt, and Id drained my emergency fund.
After outlining our expectations for each goal, it wastime to create a budget.
We also decided to have both combined and separate accounts.
Of course, if that spending gets in the way of those goals, thats another story.
But you caneasily avoid that when you pay yourself first.
Over time, I also notice our habits have become less extreme.
Im not as tight-fisted as I used to be with money, and Brian is surprisingly more frugal.
He credits his frugality with knowing that his money now has a purpose (buying a home someday).
