Years ago, I started a brand new job, and I was contracted on terrible project.
Rather than ask my boss about this, I kept it to myself.
Weeks later, she confronted me, puzzled: Why didnt you speak up?
Its pretty bad when yourbosspoints out that it’s crucial that you speak up for yourself more.
Here are some examples:
If a friend did something I didnt like, I never said anything.
If I had a question, I wouldnt ask.
If I didnt like a situation at work, or anywhere, really, I wouldnt say anything.
I never even considered negotiating my salary.
In short, I was so afraid an interaction might turn into a confrontation, I became a pushover.
In recent years, Ive learned to work around this fear pretty well.
And working around it helped me get past the fear altogether.
I spent a lot of unnecessary energy worrying, which turned into resentment and anger, which took evenmoreenergy.
Meanwhile, the person I should have confronted was blissfully unaware that anything was wrong.
Apparently, it was only an issue for me.
Researchers from Columbia University recentlyconducted a study on pushoversand their lack of self-awareness.
The conducted mock negotiations and asked people to rate their level of aggressiveness.
And heres where it becomes work.
the subjects who mistakenly thought they were too assertive also felt like they did something wrong.
To attempt to make things better, they accepted a worse negotiation deal.
They did this to repair the relationship, but nothing was wrong in the first place.
I realized this in my own way, gradually.
But I grew tired of being the only one at the pushover party.
I realized that it actually took a lot less energy, overall, to simply speak up for myself.
I realized that not only is my indirectness unfair to me, its unfair to other people, too.
This realization appealed to my natural obliger.
When I dont ask questions, I fail at my job, and thats not good for my boss.
Directness is a better long-picture solution.
I started with questions.
This helped, because asking was easy enough.
When I did, I found it was really easy to get to them all in no time.
My colleagues never laughed or scoffed at the fact that I didnt know anything.
Once I realized this fear was unfounded, it was a lot easier to keep speaking up.
But I had to get over that initial fear.
The momentum from that small stepasking a questionhelped tremendously.
Id write that, when they had a chance, I needed to ask them about whatever topic.
Sending an email is even easier, so this helped ensure I wouldnt back out.
It forced me to later bring up the question or concern.
If a boss or colleague thought my idea was stupid, that was my worst nightmare.
It made me feel like both a reject and a failure.
After a while, I started to see rejection and failure as useful, though.
In short, Ichanged my definition of failure.
Instead of seeing it as alackof success, I saw it as a necessary part of success.
Did I expect to win anything by not putting myself out there and keeping everything to myself?
Rather than stay defensive about failure, I started to embrace it.
If I had an idea, I voiced it.
If I wanted a raise, I picked my time, built a case, asked for it.
If it didnt happen, fine.
So if I forced myself to speak up, it was a success in its own way.
Consider it and consider any mistakes you might have made.
Otherwise, youwontmake progress.
Claim appropriate responsibility: Understand where you were at fault, and be aware of your limits.
I Learned to Be Diplomatic
But it wasnt just failure and rejection I was afraid of.
Another part of my fear of confrontation was disappointing people.
I hated telling people things they didnt want to hear.
And worse, I didnt want to becomeoverassertive.
To combat this fear, I learned to be diplomatic.
Weve talked about how its better to approach anegotiation as joint-problem solving; this works in the same way.
Instead of being combative, youre working on a solution with the other person.
I noticed I did this with customer service reps.
It wasnt until someone pointed out that I could be nicer that I realized I was being defensive.
I started making an effort to remember to be more kind, andthis is much more effective, anyway.
Actually, it also makes things a lot easier.
Its easier to speak up when you dont have to worry about the pressure of being so assertive.
you could be kind.
Pick your battles: I had to find balance in not saying anything at all and saying too much.
When I first learned to speak up, it was kind of an exciting milestone.
So I spoke up about everything.
Someone parked in my space?
I asked them why.
A friend did something slightly annoying?
I had a simple question I couldve easily found on my own?
I asked my boss anyway.
Speaking up was great, but I had to bring it back a little.
I hurt my friends feelings.
I annoyed my boss.
Rather than speak up about everything, Ive now learned to pick my battles, so to speak.
Wevesuggested starting with a simple question: is the situation so distressing that it needs to be addressed?
After all this, I think Im still a people-pleaser at heart.
Its not always easy, but its a lot easier when I remember each of these points.
