As a sex therapist, I hear from innumerable couples who struggle with sexual compatibility.

One partner wants it more than the other, or one partner is into different things than the other.

Sex feels disjointed, and partners feel like they’re not on the same page.

There are a number of different factors that influence sexual compatibility.

The first thing most of us tend to think of is how frequently we desire sex.

The single most common reason couples come in for sex therapy is because of mismatched sex drives.

There’s also compatibility in terms of the sexual behaviors we like to engage in.

We all fall on a spectrum of vanilla to kinky when it comes to our sexual appetites.

Finally, there’s the concept of your sexual personality pop in.

Essentially it concerns what you use sex to accomplish.

The good news, in my opinion, is that sexual compatibility is not a fixed value.

It can actually be improved!

Having some degree of difference in your sexual appetites is perfectly fine.

Couples can usually navigate minor discrepancies in sexual desires and drives with relative ease.

You could get introduced to a new position, a surprising technique, or an exciting sex toy.

Variety and diversity make sex interesting, and will keep the spark alive in your relationship.

On the other hand, huge differences are going to be more difficult to navigate.

One way to gauge the scale of your differences is to play with my Ideal Vs. How flexible are you willing to be?

Can you practice random acts of sexual kindness with your partner?

One partner will try out a new sexual behavior that they had never considered before.

The other partner is open to sexual contact even when they’re feeling a little tired or run down.

Notice that this is vastly different from feeling pressured or obligated to have sex.

Are you both willing to put effort into your sex life?

Your willingness to work on your sexual relationship is way more important than having identical sex drives and desires.

What is your gut telling you?

In my experience, people know deep down inside when things aren’t working.

You may feel guilty or uncomfortable ending a relationship solely because of sexual incompatibility.

But chances are you recognize when you just don’t have a great sexual connection with another person.

And that’s okay!

Life just wouldn’t be interesting if we gotwhat we wanted100% of the time.

Photo byAle Art(Flickr).