Growing up, I got high marks for my mild manner and good behavior.
I was the good kid who never caused trouble or made a fuss.
This has carried over into adulthood, with me avoiding every argument like the plague.
But being non-confrontational as an adult is more damaging and debilitating than it is helpful.
For a long time I thought of this as a good trait.
Where others would argue or complain, I was diplomatic and kept the peace.
For example, if a friend or colleague made a comment that bothered me, I wouldnt say anything.
Even the most minor confrontationswhich wouldnt seem like confrontations to other peoplegave me gut-wrenching anxiety.
I think Im non-confrontational by design.
Most people who know me would probably describe me as soft-spoken and quiet.
But other people in my family?
But shes a fighter, while Im a flighter.
Beyond personality, I think we non-confrontationalists (new word!)
justcare too much about what others think.
I want everyone to be happy.
Mostly, though, direct conflict just makes me feel awkward and extremely uncomfortable.
The Problem with Being Non-Confrontational
First, avoiding conflict never extinguishes conflict.
It only delays it.
Second, pleasing always breeds resentment.
The yes-man always feels ripped off because his true feelings are never heard.
Third, passive/avoidant types usually have bad tempers.
Fourth, this throw in of guy usually ends up feeling isolated.
The ultimate casualties in the equation are our courage, and ultimately, our character.
In other words, by trying to avoid direct conflict or tension, were actually making it worse.
One turning point for me was when a counselor told me that depression is really anger turned inwards.
I have trouble expressing anger.
Since then, Ive been taking steps to accept conflict, if not embrace it.
Its easier to speak up at the start of a conflict instead of trying to wait it out.
Remember:No one cares, so do what you want.
Rethink your idea of conflict.Being assertive or speaking your mind isnt mean, selfish, or aggressive.
Conflicts arent always badtheyre often necessary for changeand even angry confrontations can be healthy.
These are hard things to believe when youre non-confrontational, but mull it over at least.
Orthink about what you would advise a friend to do in the same situation.
Use the communication medium youre most comfortable with.For me, thats writing.
If I have to challenge or confront someone, writing an email or letter helps me organize my thoughts.
Recently, Ive had family visiting and driving me batty by overstaying and overcrowding me.
Im still the calm and diplomatic person I was before, but just a little more direct.
Illustration by Jim Cooke.
