I hovered around the poverty line, hoping that I would last until next months rent.
At the time it felt normal.
Being poor isnt just a number on a balance sheet.
Its a state of mind.
It was a never ending cycle of self-destruction.
If youre still in a situation like that, dont feel like you have to be.
Of course, sometimes I made bad decisions.
I like movies, so occasionally I went to the theater when I really shouldnt have.
It may have been a poor decision, but I chose to make it anyway.
When youre broke, the only freedom you have is to make bad decisions.
Paying rent isnt really a good decision so much as a responsibility.
You dont get a pat on the back for paying your rent.
You cant choose to invest wisely or save for emergencies.
I could take classes or buy software that helped my career.
I could pay down debt.
These were all good decisions and, more shocking to me, I couldchoosewhat to do.
This was something I didnt understand when I was broke.
I only pursued a higher salary because I needed to keep up.
I even felt guilty for wanting more than the bare minimum I needed.
It didnt occur to me until much later in life that wanting to make money wasnt greedy or selfish.
Its no secret thatlow-income households ignore routine medical treatmentbecause they simply cant afford it.
In my case, I didnt even have the option.
Look through the things your insurance covers.
Preventative care is usually paid forverygenerously.
Theres a reason for that.
I did not share their view at the time.
$50 was an impossible amount of money for me.
Once I finally got insurance, I had a lot to catch up on.
Dental work was the worst.
I missed many opportunities to get cavities filled.
Getting what remained of my teeth fixed and/or replaced was expensive.
Far more expensive than if Id managed to get to the dentist sooner.
Being poor in the past meant that Im staying poorer than I should be now.
If you might, dont neglect your healthif you have the ability.
However, I know all too well that sometimes that isnt an option.
Life will be better.
Sure, theres a limit wheremore money doesnt make you happier, buthaving it is definitely betterthan having none.
after you snag money, you could pay for things to make your life better.
You canbuy your food in bulkorget a car that doesnt break down all the time.
Money candefinitelymake you happier.
Which is why the thought of losing it is terrifying.
In reality, that money probably comes in some form of salary.
A salary that you will constantly remind yourself you’re able to lose at any minute.
When I worked at Walmart, there were times where I felt like I might lose my job.
Maybe I screwed something up or maybe my boss had a bad day and took it out on me.
I was worried that Id lose my minimum wage job pushing shopping carts around a parking lot.
Even when I was worried, I was neverthatworried.
Once I got a better job, that fear got exponentially worse.
Theres no way Ill luck into a job like this ever again.
For years I couldnt afford a trip to the doctor or going to a bar orindulging hobbies like cosplay.
A sudden $20 expense still makes me feel anxious.
I still mentally assume that I cant afford anything over $100 without agonizing over the decision.
This has certainly helped me stay frugal, but it highlights how ingrainedthe mindset of being poor really is.
This hit home for me a few months ago when I decided to buy an Xbox.
The thought of spending $300 on a console felt insane and impossible.
It took me months to make the decision.
until it finally dawned on me.I dont need to justify buying something I want if I can afford it.
Even writing that sentence feels like treason.
I still feel guilty for buying that Xbox.
I probably always will.
I can hear those criticisms because theyre what I tell myself all the time.
Years of being poor taught me all of the many ways that my financial decisions can be wrong.
That voice didnt go away when my salary changed.
It probably never will.
Thats not necessarily a bad or good thing.
Its just the way it is.
Illustration by Angelica Alzona.
Photos by Getty Images,US Army Africa,Rafael J M Souza, andjridgewayphotography.
